Faith is something I've struggled with ever since I was a kid. At first, I enjoyed going to church. But in my early teens after a few things happened at home, I struggled to find the will to go to church. Being forced by mother week in and week out didn't help me at all either. At some point she also gave up and I'd go when I wanted to. And this became less and less. At Varsity it became never. Like my friends would go and I'd be like nope… not for me.
One part was my very short attention span. I can't concentrate on a person talking to me for more than 10 minutes… which is how I always find myself asleep… and the other part is well, too many questions.
Reading books on this kind of stuff has left me with a lot of questions and has made me quite cynical when it comes to the bible…. Its teachings are great don’t get me wrong. Something I hope to instill on my children one day but… as black person I always find it hard to see where I fit in, in the whole spectrum of the bible. From the question of how God would let all the stuff happen to us… from slavery to being killed etc. To how the bible came to us. As a form of enslavement. They basically said ours is written in a book so its right. Yours is barbaric. Before it came, does it mean all those who didn't follow the lord’s way are doomed. Just cause of our location. Since the only way to god is through Jesus. Does it mean we were left to our own accord till the white saviour’s came down to redeem us and save us (by enslaving us and taking our land). I always end up making it more racial than it should be as faith really shouldn't be about that… but its hard to separate the 2 sometimes for me personally.
And as an African man with a culture, where does that leave me. I should leave my peoples beliefs they have believed for 1000s of years for one that was brought a few hundred years ago. Am I not leaving my own identity by taking there’s? These are questions only I can answer it seems.
If you look at a lot of the cultures and beliefs found in Africa there are a lot of similarities. Our belief in our ancestors having a say in our lives after death is prevalent throughout. At the same time the white people believe life started in Africa, but our beliefs are the wrong one? Even though you say life started here? … that's a bit weird but that’s now mixing science and faith, so I'll leave that one. The similarities in our African cultures does leave you thinking. Not having a hell in most of our cultures speaks of a more forgiving god in our cultures, rather than one who is willing to put you in an eternity of pain. We don't even have a word for Satan… we use the English term. (usatane). Hell is just a synonym for hot fire in the Zulu language. But this concept of if you don't live a certain way you'll be punished was enforced on us… and that fear made us follow their religion… more than actual faith (at the beginning, now it’s a bit better).
Our lack of understanding of this faith that is not ours and a lack of identity when it comes to faith in general, has left us at the mercy of many fake pastors who are out to make a quick dollar off our people. We are just looking for a way forward, belonging really, and faith is part of being human, I guess.
And its crazy with all the similarities between us, proving that somewhere between all of this, there is an answer. A more traditional African person will say a past family member came to them in like a semi dream state dressed in white to help them or give warning. A devout Christian will say an angel in white came to them to give help or give warning. Could it be that they are talking about the same thing? Just the name of these 2 is the reason for all the killing in the past? I don't know.
At the end of the day, we must find a way to god. Somewhere somehow you have to find something that works for you. I think its better to believe in something than to be in limbo. Just roaming around like a headless chicken. If it’s the Bible to each his own. The Qur'an that’s cool too. Cause chances are, we might all be talking to the same entity, just taking different roads to get there.
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