With the New season about to start I thought I would give you a character by character breakdown of all the important pieces in the game of thrones. I hope you enjoy
EDDARD of house Stark, first of his name, idiot of the north, father to the faceless and the raven
I still don’t know how we get Ned from Eddard but let’s move on from that. The righteous and honourable Ned went to the South to serve as the hand of the king, bringing Arya and Cersei with him, and he completely botched the job. He was completely played by Little Finger. Ned Stark went looking for Robert’s bastards himself instead of sending someone in his stead. Honestly, the most idiotic part was when he told Cersei that he knows Geoffrey was The Kingslayer’s child and actually tried to show mercy to the people who threw his son off a building (maybe the three eyed raven actually can fly). The results of stupidity were his head ending up a soccer ball. RIP Ned, you really were the worst player in the game of thrones.
Lord Peter Little finger Baylish, paedophile by day, brothel runner by day
Still wonder why they call him Little finger really, I keep on thinking it’s something kinky, but anyway, this man played the game better than most (read Ned Stark). From having Neddy boy believing he was on his side to having control of the Vale and a castle. When he started off as just a keeper of coin and brothel runner (Westeros was always doomed, how does the resident pimp run the country’s money). But anyway, he got a bit too comfortable and overstayed his welcome in the north a bit. He really just shits the bed in the end doesn’t he? He was playing the game the best, even had the ear of the lady of Winterfell. He was an ally that would have been useful in the upcoming battle. RIP Little Finger, you played like a champ.
Okay of the dead ones, I thought they were the most important in the game and the motivations of the people. Rob Stark fought to no fruition, Robert Baratheon’s best input was being cuckholded by his brother in law and Cat although very important, well I wasn’t gonna break my heart and write about the red wedding, oooooohhhhh chest pains come for me.
Brienne of Tarth, aspiring WNBA player, beater of men, Holder of L from Arya
No one loves saying oaths and pledging allegiance to people like this one. From Ren Baratheon, to Cat a couple of hours after Renly’s death, To Jamie, Sansa. But she keeps them, goddammit. And she has a couple of big W’s under her belt. The Tyrell kid in her first appearance, the Hound, Stannis Baratheon, and even a duel with Jamie (even if he was weak and shackled) she is a bona fide warrior. Although a little girl got the best of her but I think that’s just cause she was not expecting it. She might not be important to the plot, but in the war I wouldn’t mind having her on my side when the walkers come.
Sansa Stark, Ruler of the North, Queen of one tone acting and former wife to… I don’t think I have the space
Uh how I love to hate this lady. The most boring Stark after Rickon I must say but she has grown, I won’t lie, she went from being a plaything for Geoffrey, to that of Ramsey, to that of Little finger. She is now done being peoples toy and is a ruler in her own right I have to say. But does she have to be so smug about it? It’s so irritating. She will be important in the upcoming season I have to say. She has power and influence, and well, she is In Winterfell. The first target.
Arya Stark, The many faced assassin, giver of L’s to Brienne, and killer of little finger
No one’s journey to where they are right now has been as interesting as hers. She watched her father’s head roll, travelled all the way to her brother and mother, got there and witnessed the red wedding and her brother impaled with the head of his dire wolf, lived with the giant that is the Hound, went to go train with the many faced god in Essos AND came back to nearly be killed by little finger in her own home, wild times I must say. She has grown though into a warrior, one we hope gets to finally show off all her skills in the battle to come.
Jon snow, Knower of nothing, Boner of aunts and wildlings
Ahhh, never has there been a more noble person… fuck him. He has had an interesting journey himself. From being hated by his mother in law, to going to the wall and pledging to be celibate (stronger man than I) to doing the nasty with a red head wildling (maybe not) to becoming the lord commander of the nights watch, being killed by his men, being resurrected, fighting a fellow bastard, fighting white walkers in the north and then bedding his own aunt, its safe to say he’s had an interesting life. He might be the most interesting character in the upcoming season, as his new love, is also the person who will challenge his rightful claim to the throne. But that’s only after they deal with the drip king of the night, who is currently also gliding in the night in his brand new pimped out ride, Viserion
Danaerys Targryen, yeah we all know her ones
Dracarys. Cause we all know that’s become her favourite phrase. Even when it hasn’t been really necessary, she has become ruthless and unforgiving. And I love it. When she was forgiving slave masters in Mereen, her decisions came back to bite her. But what is burnt can’t bite you now can it? Since she arrived in Westeros, its kept a lot of people on her toes. Cersei isn’t the baddest bitch anymore and even lost Jamie to Dany. Her new wrath will come in handy in the new season with the night king being heartless and all (I mean they did stab him with dragon glass to turn him into the Night King).
Theon Greyjoy, prince of the salt islands, Prisoner of Winterfell, Reek of the Boltons
Making fun of Theon would be like making fun of an ugly woman at a beauty contest. I could do a lot, but the world has already done enough. People say he has an interesting story arc, I think all that happened is we had Theon with a penis, and Theon without one. That’s not really much of a story arc don’t you think? I’m lying there has been a bit of growth. I mean he ran when his sister was caught so there’s that. Sadly, this is a story so he will most likely have an important role in the upcoming season. Really, I want to see him crying and grovelling in front of the Night King, showing him his stub to gain favour. Probably won’t happen though
Jamie Lanister, Kingslayer, Sisterslayer and sister ditcher
Oh how we all thought the mountain would make kingslayer mincemeat in the last episode. My heart was beating harder than it was supposed to it seems as our favourite incestuous duo were having their little squabble. But I have to say, he has had the best arc. From the arrogant twat who challenged Ned Stark outside the brothel, to the Stark prisoner who had their hand cut off (that would humble most men I guess) to the one handed warrior who tried, and failed to get her daughter safely from Dawn, to now the lonely man walking on the King’s Road to fight side by side with the other incestuous couple. It seems incest attracts incest in Westeros. But I have to say, Jamie boy is probably gonna have an interesting role in the final season.
And Last but certainly not least…
Cersei Brotherfucking Lanister, Queen of Westeros, Killer of the Sept, Master of the Mountain, Baddie of Westeros, and best dressed in GoT (we can go fight outside)
The best player of the game of thrones I have to say, cause well, she won. After all those battles, she sits on the Throne, and all the others are dead. All Hail the Queen. She has paid for it. Godamn has she paid for it. Lost all her children, did the ultimate slut walk to a memorable score (shame), and was married to Robert Baratheon, a man in love with a dead woman who was in love with another man (a mouthful I must say). But she has stayed true and guess what, she won. And now this season she is gonna defend it, against the living and the dead, so get ready for the best soliloquys, well thought out schemes, the best acting and sadly, a painful death I presume.
This season is gonna be awesome I hope, cause if they don’t deliver, you can bet your panties there will be rioting from the fellow nerds out there.
Things I hope will happen:
Night King speaks: Okay I had to start with this. We all wanna hear him deliver his evil speech about the realm of men and how under him he will bring it under his rule, but mostly, if he has any interesting fetishes, I wouldn’t be surprised if he likes them, cold (no? You guys don’t like necrophilia jokes do you, okay)
Jamie having to kill Cersei: My tears are already lined up for this one. I will probably not talk to anyone for the week when this happens but damn, we all know it’s gonna happen. It’s the path she has laid upon herself and he has been heading in this direction.
Walker Hodor bringing life back into Bran: Sadly Bran has become quite the boring character, but I think if he sees Hodor trying to kill Him, we will see some great acting (well as much as that actor can do) from Bran.
Fight between Sansa and Dany: if you saw the trailer, you saw Sansa have to give Winterfell to Dany. After everything Sansa has gone through, you can understand why this is a lot to ask for, and the words the two will throw at each other, if its direct or in their undertone will be as juicy as Oberyn’s head after the Mountain was done.
Ice Dragon vs well, Dragon Dragon: my inner nerd is having trouble containing itself as I write this, we will finally see the dragons fight and it will be glories.
Arya fighting again: I just enjoy her fighting style and wanna see more of it. don’t judge me
Answer to how Greyworm did it… I am just so curious